acceptance

aku masih ingat hari itu serupa baru terjadi kemarin. tangan kami bergetar pucat terguyur air hujan tnggp sejak tepat tengah hari tadi. letih sudah ampun-ampunan, pagi tadi berjalan menelusuri ciwalen dengan mencatat tiap jenis tetumbuhan liar, dari yang berukuran lebih kecil dari jarimu hingga yang satu helai daunnya lebih panjang dari tinggi badanmu.

hujan tidak menunjukkan tanda-tanda ingin berhenti. jas hujanku sudah tidak berguna lagi dan hawa lembab dingin menemui kulitku. bagaimana dengan nona t yang hanya pakai payung dan cardigan tipis? aku tidak bisa membayangkannya. bibir bawahnya sudah biru tapi kaki kami masih terpancang pada salah satu titik bebatuan dan masing-masing mengerjakan tugas masing-masing.

aku dengan meteranku, menerka tinggi dan jenis. nona l sebagai rekanku, skalaku, dan pemegang kamera. nona r membantu mengambilkan hal-hal yang kuperlu. nona t mencatat segala hal yang menarik dicatat, dan nona c membantu nona t juga mengukur hal-hal kecil lain dengan penggaris dan kameranya.

"yang raciborskii belum dapat datanya, y." aku terdiam. kakiku sudah nyaris keram tapi aku diam saja. aku pernah mengalami yang lebih buruk. ini tidak seberapa. gumamku menyemangati diriku sendiri.

"mau nyebrang sungai? arusnya deras tapi, hujan. mau nekat?" nona l menyanggupi. kami nyaris saja mengarungi sungai itu mengabaikan diri kami ketika akhirnya ditemukan individu bernama raciborskii itu.

sungguh. tanganku bergetar.

saat ini, saat kembali melihat fotonya. hatiku berdegup, tergetar.

tanganku pucat kecil dan rapuh, dalam foto itu. bila kudeskripsikan rasanya waktu itu akan jauh lebih menarik lagi. pucat kebiruan karena dingin juga harus bergesekan dengan duri tajam milik individu raciborskii, basah kotor namun bercampur dengan rasa kemenangan.

-

untuk sesaat aku teringat hal itu. kenangan lama itu berputar bak sekelebatan film di otakku.

adakalanya aku rasa menyerah itu suatu tempat paling tepat karena kini kita dan keadaan sudah tidak berteman sebaik dahulu. tapi melihat foto ini membuatku sangsi akan tempat bernama rasa menyerah. kala itu menyerah tidak sempat terlintas, bahkan hidup mati pun tak kuperdulikan selama aku tidak menyerah.

entahlah. aku selalu jadi yang paling terakhir mengerti, 'kan?

Tuhan yang mahabijak, mahapengertian, mahapenyayang dan mahapenguasa. ini doaku di tengah malam ini. hambaMu yang bingung tentang bagaimana caranya bersyukur ini memiliki suatu keinginan; dan sepenuhnya percaya karena Kau-lah yang mahabaik.

"i want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then i shall be one of those who make things beautiful."

sama indahnya dengan kemampuan mengingat masa lalu ketika masa ini sedang sulit dan masa depan berupa lubang hitam penuh pertanyaan. serupa keindahan sesaat bunga sonokembang yang pagi ini mekar dan sore nanti gugur tersiram hujan.

hidupku 'kan serupa dengan bunga itu, bukan? pagi mekar dan kala sore gugur. 

sesingkat itu.

tapi semoga sebermanfaat bunga tersebut kepada pohonnya.

Journal.

CABI 2014. bagor sie perkap terhangat terkece sepanjang masa. tidur dengan pipi kegigit angin dingin TNGHS, dengung generator sama bau minyak tanah dan resin pinus. dilarang colok listrik tanpa izin ya, guys. kemudian tangan biru-biru sepulang kerja rodi dari sana dan harus lembur laporan.

taken diam-diam di pulau Rambut. lagi istirahat nungguin bocahnya rebek ngelewatin akar Rhizopora sp. disini indah, tapi banyak sampah, apalagi sampah sendal kehanyut. jangan buang sampah sembarangan, numpuknya di pantai sini. pas berangkat masih damai sama ombak kapal, pas pulang: brb tidur biar ga muntah. demi FT ini gue harus menyelesaikan sembilan laporan lebih cepat dari yang lain agar tidak keteteran. mau muntah? yoi.

nge-angke yang kesekian kali. SM Muara. nungguin jodoh temen pengamatan selama satu jam, alhasil.. dinyamukin. entah berangkat jam berapa dari rumah kok ya jam 7 udah sampe sini. kayaknya jalan sambil tidur deh. btw, frame kanan sebetulnya nyamuknya ada empat loh. pidadanya lagi berbunga. jalanannya berlumpur banget. pulang dari sini rencananya ke gramed batal gara-gara jam segini udah dekil banget belepotan.

today's. main-main sama dede difta pas ke rumah. why so fluffy why so fluffy gemash gemash. sindroma bayi bayi ucul merebak di kelas gue. dari uci, anggi, punya ponakan baru sampai melan yang nambah adek!

Life is indeed so good! :)

Kemudian teringat ujian Fistum dan Ektum dan Histo dan.. ah. sebetulnya mau ngambil foto flamboyan yang lagi all-bloom cantiknya cantik banget penghibur hati kala lelah melihat jalanan Jakarta, tapi belum sempet huft.

lost things

Kepada yang tangannya tak hendak lagi digenggam, sekuat apapun aku berusaha.

Mungkin tidak terdapat satu kala pun aku merasa terbebas dari kewajibanku untuk menghiburmu. Tapi aku masih tetap tidak mengerti. Terlalu banyak pertanyaan yang tidak bisa kujawab. Bahkan tentang dirimu.

Aku memang bukan orang baik. Tidak sebaik dirimu. Tidak sebaik orang lain. Semua temanku hilang tertelan waktu—wajar, aku tidak pernah punya usaha lebih.

Satu dari beberapa yang kuusahakan adalah kau. Dan kau memilih tidak kembali.

In the end, the right thing is ‘the world is not a wish-granting factory’. Everything is eventually hurtful in the end. We hurt people and people hurt us back, an unending cycle. People who we loved—leave, and those who we left—stayed by our side in silence. Human interaction will always leave internal friction.

Don’t hate too deep and don’t love too deep—an oversaid quote, but it seemed right at this time.

I’m letting you go then, as you wished so—not because I wanted to.

P.S. I know I’m being left out, but you will also instantly know that I’m the one who stayed in silence.

lang leav - lost things

dua puluh empat jam

pagi selalu berisikan dengan pengharapan dan rutinitas. pengharapan dalam sebentuk doa di subuh hari, kala bulan masih terjaga. pengharapan saat melihat matahari terbit dengan bulan pucat sisa semalam pada langit pagi kebiruan tepat diseberangnya. pengharapan dalam setiap hirupan nafas yang terlalu dingin untuk dihangatkan konka hidung. pengharapan pada bebungaan bougainvillea yang semarak berhias dalam beberapa tingkat warna merah muda hingga ungu. pengharapan pada first flush dari pucuk merah yang merona, atau merah terang dari bunga flamboyan di kejauhan mata memandang.

juga rutinitas. sarapan pagi dengan porsi sedikit, segelas jus atau teh terlampau panas. derap air dingin menyentuh kulit tiba-tiba menyengat mata yang masih terbenam dalam kantuk bekas semalam tidur terlalu larut. bau mint pasta gigi. mengejar bus yang selalu padat. berkawan dengan macet dan polusi yang terlalu merepotkan untuk dipikirkan, kembali terlelap lagi sebelum memulai penatnya hari.

siang berisi percakapan hangat dan makanan. keramaian dan keriuh-rendahan bising saat mulut tak berhenti berkicau tentang apa saja. tentang dosen, tentang kuliah genetika yang semakin lama semakin membingungkan, tentang kawan, tentang canda yang berulangkali diceritakan. suapan nasi campur kuah soto, gado-gado, bekal makan siang bawa dari rumah dengan jamur kuping yang kelewat pedas tapi menggiurkan. es teh manis, es jeruk, jus alpukat, air mineral seharga dua ribu untuk satu setengah liter. kembali rehat dan berdoa. matahari terlampau terik ketika badan keluar dari laboratorium yang dingin di jalan menuju masjid. air wudhu berasa karat. pepohonan beringin dan bunga-bunga putih kersen. langit biru menyilaukan dan semilir angin yang hangat menerpa tubuh yang lelah di beranda masjid; sebelum kembali larut dalam rutinitas.

sore hari yang singkat berisi tawa dan pusing, tak lupa semangat menjelang pulang. tawa. tawa lagi. diskusi hangat penuh manfaat. kadang berisi ekologi makan, kadang tentang suara, kadang hanya tertawa saja. ada pula rapat yang membuat pusing atau kelas sore yang terasa makin mumet ketika setiap inci otak sudah membayangkan rumah yang hangat dan nyaman.

malam tiba. udara terlalu dingin untuk seseorang yang batuk ketika suhu sore sudah mulai menurun mencapai malam. doa dan pengharapan–supaya jalan pulang lancar dan cepat sampai di rumah. lampu jalanan. percakapan berat tentang kami yang masih belum selesai atau sekadar menyanyikan lagu di jalan pulang. bus yang kadang terlalu penuh kadang juga terlalu kosong. lebih banyak lampu jalanan dan angin malam yang dingin sedikit jadi penghiburan dalam penutup penatnya hari.

dan rumah. kembali pulang. makan malam dalam kesendirian. ibu ayah dan adik sudah makan pukul tujuh tadi. kamar yang hangat, tumpukan buku-buku. tugas-tugas sisa siang dan sore tadi. terlampau lelah dan ketiduran mengerjakannya atau justru terlalu semangat hingga tiba-tiba jadi tidur terlalu larut. lagi, tengah malam. hanya bulan dan doa yang menemani.

Fever's End

Part 1

Home (feat. Lee So-ra) (집)

Bad (feat. Jin-shil) (나쁘다)

Airbag (feat. Naul)

The Tide (scratch by DJ Fritz) (밀물)

From the Bottom (feat. Bumkey) (밑바닥에서)

Home

When I step past my door frame, I get dizzy. Because it’s the border to my comfort zone. The useless emotions that dirty my heart is covered with dust. If I get out of here, there’s death. Because I disliked the unfamiliar happiness more than the familiar sadness, I threw away my footsteps. I worry that I’ll become a pair of worn shoes. Because the world, time, people twistedly wear me. I forget. Like the heaps of newspapers and bills in front of my door. Don’t leave the thoughts and demands of the world in front of me. This is my home – leave me alone. Just don’t come in here.

Now I cry without tears. Just like breathing, I cry again.

The sadness that became a home. Though I try to take a step out, I cry at the doorstep.

I cry, without me knowing.

Do I deserve to be happy? Why have I fallen deeply into shallow scars? Anyone may receive showers of arrows in life. But why is the target on my heart so big for me? Emotions run from one end to another

But for a slow-paced me, I fall behind and out of breath. I cannot hold my heart and I lose the world. A few steps more is happiness but.. I raise each step a little more. Anyone can be afraid of this. But to me, it’s more natural than laughter. Crying is easy like breathing – the more you hold it in, your more you let out. Let me breathe – sadness is my home. I want to stay here, in this place. Even if I go out to happiness for a moment. Now I know that I would want to go back.

Now I cry without tears. Just like breathing, I cry again.

The sadness that became a home. Though I try to take a step out, I cry at the doorstep.

I cry, without me knowing.

Inside my sadness that became my home,

Inside my sadness that became my home, can I invite you in?

Now I cry without tears. Just like breathing, I cry again.

The sadness that became a home. Though I try to take a step out, I cry at the doorstep.

I cry, without me knowing.

Bad

Everybody says that something’s different, that I’ve changed. They say, you used to be full of love and care but, since one day, you became cold. Everybody says that something’s different, that I’ve changed. They say, you used to be full of love and care but, since one day, you became cold, they don’t get it. You used to smile a lot, but your eyes, face, the way you speak, it all became dark and scary. Is it because of the memory that I want to kill? I erase myself from my heart. Cause a kind heart is useless. It’s a flaw in this world. So I guess I want to become worse and worse. Like the saying, lovers resemble each other. I guess this is my way to become like you.

Bad, love is so bad. It became the reason to breathe. But now you block my breath.

Love is so bad bad bad bad bad. I guess the more you get to know about love, you only become worse.

Love is so bad bad bad bad bad. When you get to know love, your heart aches.

You become worse as much as you know. I get angry easily when I used to not. I’m not myself. But I say, ‘what is like me?’ while I know it so well. I don’t see myself clearly. I get embraced in the dark. Even with my eyes closed, I can’t sleep comfortably. I wander all night, even one shot I couldn’t drink but now I crave alcohol. Anxiously as I stumble on the rainy streets, I pick fights. My lips that used to whisper only good words, now only swears whenever I breathe. I don’t pass by before the ember becomes a fire. I habitually lie and I harass love with the name of love.

Bad, people are so bad. You became the reason why I open my eyes. But now you block my sight.

Love is so bad bad bad bad bad. I guess the more you get to know about love, you only become worse.

Love is so bad bad bad bad bad. When you get to know love, your heart aches.

The worse thing than you, who is bad. Is that I can’t get over you, who is bad.

I break apart and become worse. I become worse to other people.

Bad, so bad, it hurts, it hurts so much, what we call love.

Love is a sickness. Can I get a witness?

Love is a sickness. Can I get a witness?

Love is so bad bad bad bad bad. I guess the more you get to know about love, you only become worse.

Love is so bad bad bad bad bad. When you get to know love, your heart aches.

Airbag

I need an airbag before I crash into the colossal sadness that is coming my way. 

On nights I don’t want to go home, the taxi driver will purposely avoid the fastest paths. The chatty DJ on the radio won’t bring in guests that make me laugh or turn on songs that make me smile, conversations just get longer. I’d normally not want to listen to it and ask for the channel to be changed, but I don’t have a song in particular I want to listen to either. Keep talking and drown out the thoughts in my head. People laugh at words I can’t understand, and seeing as how the taxi driver, who normally has an expressionless face, is laughing along, it must be a popular punch line. Maybe I’m the only lonely island. In the end, a song requested by a listener is introduced. It’s a sad song that I once loved. Is that person alone, too, at a place where a long day falls into slumber? 

I need an airbag before I crash into the colossal sadness that is coming my way. 

I need an airbag. It’s too late to avoid it. 

I have so many things I need to take care of; it’s hard for me to get drunk anymore. But it’s not like I’m avoiding the drinks, maybe it’s because I don’t want to be left alone. Is it just because I want to catch someone’s attention by being alone? Loneliness is so definite to me. If someone was to be by my side, would there be enough of me to share? It’s a question mark I don’t want to include. At that moment, I hear a voice through his call. The promise to meet up for drinks must have been canceled. He hangs up and grumbles, and my gaze becomes fixed to the family picture sloppily hanging by the meter. Do people lose themselves because they don’t have a home or a path to walk down? Or is it because even though they have many places to go, there is not one person waiting for them there? 

I guess I’m all alone again.

I guess I’m all alone again.

I guess I’m all alone again.

Once again.

I’m dangerous right now.

I’m dangerous right now.

Don’t come to me.

I don’t know when it began to fall, but I look out the window and see the rain fall collect into puddles on the streets. Over the puddles, I see the reflection of an electronic display alerting drivers of a car accident. Why, why at this moment, do I suddenly tear as I’m reminded of you, you who’s probably living happily… Next to the term ‘death’ is the number one… Why does that number look so lonely. 

It’s a night where I miss you dearly, and my heart slips with the rain.

I need you, yes I need you, my airbag.

The Tide

You, facing danger. Everything is floating away.

Resisting the water. When the world is an aquarium.

At some point you turn twenty. Avoiding the fish hook.

Breathing a breath of relief. When the world is a net.

Swim, swim, swim away. My dreams dive into you and drown.

Swim, swim, swim away. My life dives into you and drown.

Crossing every line. Emphasizing being upright. Telling others to be straight when you’re crooked. Trying to run. When you’re surrounded by walls. You try to place those bricks. When you are a star. Because of the useless requests of the adults, you become a shooting star. The hand that gave you the shovel points fingers at you. And tells you that you dug your own grave.

Swim, swim, swim away. My dreams dive into you and drown.

Swim, swim, swim away. My life dives into you and drown.

You, facing danger. Everything is floating away.

Resisting the water. When the world is an aquarium.

At some point you turn twenty. Avoiding the fish hook.

Breathing a breath of relief. When the world is a net.

You, facing danger. Everything is floating away.

Resisting the water. When the world is an aquarium.

At some point you turn twenty. Avoiding the fish hook.

Breathing a breath of relief. When the world is a net.

Swim, swim, swim away. My dreams dive into you and drown.

Swim, swim, swim away. My life dives into you and drown.

Drown and die.

From The Bottom

Oh, even if all the tears of the world are welled up in my small eyes.

I wish I could shed your tears as well.

You just had to meet me when I was at rock bottom. Whenever you smile, my heart aches. To me, everything is guilt. Is that a half-smile? Is that a smile that did not fully bloom because it doesn’t know a different world? You say you’re alright but I guess I can only give you the state of being alright. Because I hated to show you this small and embarrassing empty hand. Like a fool, I make your extended hand, an empty hand too. Earlier, maybe later – why couldn’t we have met when there was good news? You could’ve rested under the sunlight in a green forest. But you, who walks with me in the rain under my rain cloud. My love, an unfortunate person. This isn’t how my heart is. I didn’t become your better half in hope that you’d take half of my unhappiness.

Oh, even if all the tears of the world are welled up in my small eyes.

I wish I could shed your tears as well.

You just had to meet me when I was at rock bottom. The sound of your cries make my heart ache, to me. Even though I want to comfort you, I’m exhausted and my face grows dark. I can’t make you laugh and I put you to bed, who passed out from crying. My stopped two hands are your watch. What has crumbled is not mine but your future. But why is it when I see you are different when you wake up. I think of my own reality that hasn’t grown a single inch. I’m sorry – even if I say it thousands of times, I’m sorry again. That this small room and this low ceiling is the sky. That I am your umbrella and the rain.

Goodnight, goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight

Good morning

Oh, even if all the tears of the world are welled up in my small eyes.

I wish I could shed your tears as well.

Baby I’ll try. Someday, I will be happiness to you.

Try. Someday, I’ll be the best for you.

Try. Today, it’s just words but girl I’ll try.

Baby I’ll try. Someday, I’ll give the whole world to you.

Try. If I can’t, I’ll change the world for you.

Try. Today, it’s just words but girl I’ll try.

Part 2

Tomorrow (feat. Taeyang)

The Source (scratch by DJ Tukutz) (출처)

Dear TV / 해열

Thankful Breath (feat. Yankee + Bong Tae-kyu) (고마운 숨)

Expiration Date (유통기한)

Tomorrow

No, no, no, no more tomorrow.

Receiving love doesn’t mean you have it. Covering time doesn’t mean it passes.

Breathing doesn’t mean you live. Doesn’t mean.

Baby there’s no, no tomorrow. I’m stopped still from that time, that place.

It’s the last, lingering moment. Although for you, it was just a passing day.

Baby there’s no, no, no, no more tomorrow. Till you come back, everyday is yesterday.

The memories that ripped apart my heart rip the days of the calendar and fades away like the end of the year. I live as I pretend to forget you – my world still hasn’t changed – you’re still not there. People all say that if you look back, you will laugh. Even though I have a hard time turning my head that used to face you. I don’t want to hear it but why do they keep blabbering? I’m lingering here. Don’t say that the sun will rise tomorrow. Because it will be a darker morning than a night with you. Don’t say that the ground hardens after the rain. Because it will be a relief that is more frustrating than our worries. Everything is a mess – it’s springtime again for you but seasons don’t change for me. Even though you say my heart will bloom again, I’ve got no tomorrow.

Baby there’s no, no tomorrow. I’m stopped still from that time, that place.

It’s the last, lingering moment. Although for you, it was just a passing day.

Baby there’s no, no, no, no more tomorrow. Till you come back, everyday is yesterday.

My insides are empty and my smile is dead. But you say that I look better than when I was with you. You say that you can let out a sigh of relief now. But I’m running out of breath – the smile doesn’t deceive only me. I did become normal – my heart became burdensome so I emptied it out a lot. I’m really going crazy – please stop saying words of comfort that I can’t hear. Don’t say that you can forget love by having a different love. Because it will be a lonelier meet than separation. Don’t say that time heals all. Because each moment will be like death for me.

Yes, receiving love doesn’t mean you have it. Covering time doesn’t mean it passes.

Breathing doesn’t mean you live. Now I know.

No, no more tomorrow. Till you come back.

Baby there’s no, no tomorrow. I’m stopped still from that time, that place.

It’s the last, lingering moment. Although for you, it was just a passing day.

Baby there’s no, no, no, no more tomorrow.

Till you come back, everyday is yesterday.

The Source

A cup of coffee, it comes from poverty. The small hands that should reach out for dreams while holding a paper plane or a pencil are actually filled with coffee-flavored sweat. Handdrip. Thank you, little barista. I say this reality hurts my heart. But I need caffeine so go ahead and add another shot. It’s a circulatory system of an evil cycle. My consumption is a leech. A person’s poverty becomes another person’s luxury. The people who made the shoes that I wear far away. Probably are barefoot at the moment. Even the warmth that wraps my body. Its origin is a pit full of blood and bones as well. To make myself look like I’ve got some. It makes people who have nothing shed tears. Everyone says it’s better not to know. It’s because awareness became a sickness in this world.

Origin, If beauty comes from ugliness, is it beauty? Tell me.

Origin, If beauty comes from ugliness, is it beauty? Represent where you’re from.

All of a sudden gasoline became holy water. And wars that are greedy of energy sources. Chemistry, a brighter problem than the blood diamond. But it’s more of a trivial problem than gas price. Because cars bring people to work. For a child who walks, someone crawl in the battlefield. The origin is fear, and in the aftermath system. We dig the ground and raise a flag, which is crooked. But I need technology. Please build me one more factory please. To me, it doesn’t matter if the roots, trees and forests rot. If only there’s an apple on the branch, then it’s holy garden. To get ahead of the game, steps are made but the cliff is right behind. Everyone says time is the remedy. It’s because the present time is a sickness in this world.

Origin, If beauty comes from ugliness, is it beauty? Tell me.

Origin, If beauty comes from ugliness, is it beauty? Represent where you’re from.

To all the people who are uncomfortable because I’m comfortable. Thank you and I’m sorry.

To all the people who are breathless because I breathe. Thank you and I’m sorry.

To all the people who collapsed because I’m standing. Thank you and I’m sorry.

To all the origin people of this world.Thank you, thank you.

Origin, If beauty comes from ugliness, is it beauty? Tell me.

Origin, If beauty comes from ugliness, is it beauty? Represent where you’re from.

Origin, represent where you’re from.

Dear TV

Dear TV, desensitize me. Give me more genocide please.

The world is your aphrodisiac so you stay turned on.

Every minute, every second I breathe.

You weaponize greed, kill me with incessant I needs.

Got me checkin' out those and checkin' out these.

Mainstream me, disinfecting my breed.

I'm looking for nirvana but you Geffenize me.

Point me to the skies till heaven's eye bleeds.

Anoint me with your lies then divinize me.

If heaven is a show, well, televise me.

But I won't lie my way in, no fakin' IDs.

I'll die standing. Try breaking my knees.

I'll do a handstand like I'm breakin'. Now freeze.

Don't act like you know me ‘cause you recognize me.

You sell my record not me.

Thankful Breath

Even if it’s a sigh, I’m thankful of my breath. Even on sleepless nights, the welcoming pillow. The applause that used to make me dream, is past. Now I become mesmerized with my daughter’s applause. I can’t say that I have lost everything. Because even after losing 99, I still find little things impressive. I’m smiling. To me, the words, “I wanna die”. No, let it be. The things that makes me breathe is the calm rain. The sweet time wasting with friends. Red flowers, blue flowers, the cloud flowers in early mornings. Plenty of laughter flowers in the garden called, love. Bloom, my heart’s rest. The wind of Jejudo, the night lights in Seoul. Epic High’s music that I hear in the streets while walking. The eyes of my wife and my baby.

Can I stop suffering now? Can I stop fearing now? Can I laugh just as much as I cried?

Get up and stand up.

When I opened my fist, a handshake was welcoming me. When people’s applause was welcoming me as I opened my closed heart. The wrinkles in my forehead disappear. And the sky is full of smiles. Exciting the smiley glands. I swallow a mouthful of happiness. Let it go, little boy, I let it go, ma. The hopes that I wanted to grab with both of hands. I had too much hope and dreams in me. It was so high where I couldn’t reach. But I don’t wanna lose it. The closed heart is so narrow, unable to contain. It will break because of too much force. You don’t wanna see, I was ashamed. For a minute, it’ll be just a minute. Everybody makes mistakes and misunderstands. Get your mind right, go straight, balance yourself. And first, go find your love that you have lost then. Second, find your dream, throw and gain back your confidence. Third, to my friend who helped me out a lot.

Here I go..

Can I stop suffering now? Can I stop fearing now? Can I laugh just as much as I cried?

Get up and stand up.

Being normal is good enough for me. I’m curious of the soap opera’s ending that I usually didn’t want to know. It was uncomfortable to even listen to music but. The artists that I like keep releasing albums. By watching comedy shows that I didn’t want to be in. I regained the feeling of laughing that I completely forgot. Thank you to all the people in the TV screen.

There are still many empty notebooks that I need to fill.

There are many hyung and dongsaeng that I need to take care of.

There are still many questions that I haven’t asked.

And many answers that I haven’t received.

Can I stop suffering now? Can I stop fearing now? Can I laugh just as much as I cried?

Get up and stand up.

Expiration Date

Even if I look at the clock. I don’t have time, goodbye now.

Even if I look at the calendar. I don’t have any memories now.

I’m afraid I’ll be a book that no one reads. Music that no one listens to anymore.

I’m afraid I’ll be abandoned like a movie playing in an empty theater.

Even if I look at the phone. I don’t have any relationships now.

Even if I look into the mirror. In there, there’s no confidence now.

trans taken from pop!gasa and btypelife.tumblr.com (airbag)

-

Ya ini emang udah bapuk banget ya tapi gue baru dengerin gini hari. Yaudah banget. Fav tracks ada Thankful Breath, Dear TV sama Airbag. Duh banget telatnya telat banget. (Beberapa trans juga masih kurang ngerti tapi... ya udah lah enak lagunya)

(edisi)

edisi mabok cover-nya eyes, nose, lips tablo x taeyang. 

tiba-tiba keingetan aja jadi pengen nge-post.

jumbled words

Fantasy

“Right when you think it’s over, that’s when it starts to hover.”

“Just accept that sometimes, there is a sadness that can’t be erased.”

“When it rains, you get wet. When the wind blows, you shake. It can’t go any other way. Yeah, it’s natural.”

Disowned Memories

“A short excerpt of memory in my worn out drawer.”

“I want to think of you for the very last time, but..”

“You.”

History of Silence

“I’m just a little tired. Everyone goes through this. Can’t you just comfort me?”

“Even if they are common words. I should’ve said that I wanted you to stay.”

Four Times Around the Sun

“While earth went four times around the sun. I longed for you and shed tears hundreds of times. I longed for you and erased you hundreds of times. Even after the long time passes and the earth goes ten times around the sun.”

Grey zone

“I want you so much closer than this. But we are so much better, when we are not together.”

Newton’s Apple

“It was like a roller coaster ride of never ending questions.”

“Like Newton’s apple hit the ground, my gravity always lean towards you.”

“When you are breaking in denial. I will be the one to hold you.”

“And I’ll burn for you. Each and every part of me belongs to you. When you’re in your darkest hour. I’ll put them all on fire and guide you.”

Night of Rebirth

“The weak and struggling days, those days are over.”

The Great Escape

“My faith is in danger, shaking like a candle light.”

“Whether it’s temptation or a threat, the thing I’m sure of I’m always standing opposite of my sincerity.”

“Trapped in between self-pity and hatred. I trap all of myself in regret.”

“In between the cracks of my heart here and there. The shadows of despair silently seeps through.”

Dear Genovese

“I’m losing myself in the thick darkness.”

“I was living on while turning away from everything.”

Sunshine

“Don’t argue. Because there’s no one to listen anymore.”

“Don’t argue. Because you’re not the only one struggling.”

Blue

“I hear the rain clashing against the river. It rings through the clogged up city. The moonlight is hidden by the clouds.”

“Tangled up in blue.”

“The night scene is drenched with rain. The numerous lights are smearing. Was this always this beautiful?”

Ocean of Light

“I’m in the ocean of light.”

*) I currently listen to Nell's Newton's apple and got distracted by most of the songs

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ia tidak mempercepat langkahnya malam itu. There’s still plenty of time left. Setidaknya untuk dirinya sendiri. Perutnya penuh dengan cola dan beberapa jenis makanan juga asam lambung. Beberapa waktu lalu senyum dan tawa tidak luput dari wajahnya. Tapi, di dalam hatinya sendiri ia merasa kosong. Seperti kepompong yang ditinggal sang kekupu pergi. Melompong.

Entahlah. Tiga hari ini semua tidak berjalan dengan baik-baik saja. Acaranya diundur. Ia harus pasang badan dan tebal telinga menghadapi segala komentar. Bibirnya lelah mengutarakan argumen yang bukan merupakan pilihannya. Hari ini pun masih harus menghadapi hal-hal yang membuatnya  menyumpahi setiap organisme hidup di dunia.

Sepatunya basah karena tersiram air. Spasi yang kurang sedikit. Bahkan bersalaman dengan orang lain membuat telapak tangannya memiliki garis merah melintang karena jarum. Tidak berdarah, tapi terasa pedih.

Kakinya masih melangkah. Dari sudut matanya lampu malam Jakarta berkaburan di kanan dan kiri jalan. Semua jenis kendaraan bermata merah, mengantri untuk keluar dari jalan. Orang-orang bersenda gurau, bahagia. Ia merasa seperti gelas eskrim yang berisi kebahagiaan tumpah hingga kosong karena sang pemilik tersandung di jalan. Kebahagiaannya kini tumpah ruah di jalan yang dingin sementara sang gelas.. kosong.. kemudian terinjak oleh orang yang melintas di jalanan.

Ah.

Ia berbicara pada supir tunawicara untuk tahu jalan pulang. Tiba-tiba merasa nyaman dengan kehadiran sang supir. Begitu saja. Kadang rasa tidak perlu pembicaraan. Malam mulai merasuk. Beberapa penumpang turun satu per satu. Kini hanya tersisa tiga penumpang di bus tersebut. Jalan pulang laiknya korek api yang dua per tiga bagiannya sudah hangus terbakar ketika hujan turun dan menderas.

Wiper bus bergerak ke kanan dan ke kiri. Tampak gelisah. Tapi ia merasa semakin tenang. Semuanya terasa benar. Setidaknya untuk hatinya. Tetes-tetes air membentur jendela bus, menganak-sungai kemudian jatuh bak air mata. Setidaknya jadi perwakilan untuk air matanya yang tak kunjung turun. Seberapapun sakit hatinya.

Halte pemberhentian. Ia melangkahkan kakinya keluar dari bus. Orang-orang membuka payung dengan cepat, bergantian, seperti musim yang menyebabkan bunga-bunga mekar tiba-tiba. Ia membuka payungnya. Melangkah, menjauh.

Jalanan lebar itu lengang. Sangat lengang hingga ia bisa mendengarkan tiap-tiap rintik hujan membasahi payungnya. Ia berjalan. Berjalan lagi. Dan terus berjalan. Hingga jalanan tersebut berkelok dan terbagi menjadi anak-jalan yang jauh lebih kecil dan lebih lengang. Hingga ia bisa memiliki kesimpulan bahwa hanya orang-orang dermawan yang menyalakan lampu terang di malam seperti ini.

Hujan menderas. Ia berbelok, memutar. Ia tidak ingin pulang. Tapi ia sudah begitu dekat dengan tujuannya, pulang. Ia merasakan hujan di telapaknya yang terluka. Perih. Tidak berdarah, tapi perih. Seperti hatinya.

Perlahan tapi pasti, ia sadar ia hanya berkeliling di sekitar rumahnya. Tak lama usai belokan demi belokan membuat pikirannya semakin lurus cahaya terang datang dengan tiba-tiba. Ia tahu rumah tempatnya pulang sangat dermawan. Cahaya terang bukanlah masalah besar.

Ia pulang.

Tangannya sakit. Kakinya sakit. Dadanya sakit.

Tapi setidaknya, kini kata-kata telah menjadi jalan, bukan lagi simpul-simpul gagal terurai.

semangat, kak!

When I thought on giving up..

Then there’s a photo taken on June, 21^st this year.

it looked good until i bring it to the botany field trip for 2013 batch.. i kinda regret taking it to the field but.. now it accompany me almost everywhere.. the pink pencil i got in a small stall in bodogol. fluorescent pink.

Looking on my field notes makes me sad yet thankful.

See, it has been quite shabby because of the circumstances (rain, muddy field, dirts)

Somehow it reminds me of how hard the tracks I’ve been through. Licin, jurang, duri rotan, lumpur, capek, keabisan nafas, ga ada pegangan, jatuh, lumutan, jatuh lagi, nanjak, naik, berat di bokong, gagal naik, ga ada minum, pulus, digigit semut, sosorodotan, becek, dan banyak lagi.

the sky before the rain comes, taken on cikaniki research station. wondering having this as my backyard everyday still making me delighted. the cikaniki station itself is so warm with the wooden wall and floor. :)

menyambut juli

Banyak hal yang tiba-tiba menyerang pikiran gue begitu aja ditengah malem kayak gini: mostly, there are three points.

(1)    Growth and development (bukan ini bukan salah satu judul presentasi buat mata kuliah semester kemarin :’ ) bulan Juli ini lahir dua nyawa baru ke dunia, kebahagiaan besar buat keluarga besar gue. Things were fascinating. 3 Juli kemarin, kakak sepupu gue yang hanya beda lima tahun dari gue, melahirkan. A baby boy, namanya Difta (gue masih gak yakin sama spellingnya since his mom called him just by coy, or Shani—gabungan nama ortunya).

Dan..

Gue masih berpikir ada sorcery apa antara gue ngambil matakuliah struktur dan perkembangan hewan dan acara lahir-lahiran. Man, gila, gue masih inget masalah kelahiran yang emang dibahas terakhir itu dan ngedengerinnya sendiri masih bikin gue takut. Masalah perkembangan manusia yang dari segumpal darah, jadi bayi, sampe sebesar diri kita sekarang. Kayaknya saking amazednya gue sampe gue kebingungan sendiri dan.. lost. Ga nyampe otak gue. They’re sort of a living miracle for me because.. gue ga ngerti aja yang kemarin gue pelajarin terus sekarang brojol ke dunia. The stuffs about USG, things about masa subur, ovulasi, so on and so forth. I couldn’t get a proper way to write this.

(Ah, anyway, congratulation kakak sepupu for the healthy baby boy. Semangat untuk ngasih ASI eksklusif-nya!)

Yes..

Then there is father.. pas gue sadar ternyata keponakan gue sekarang udah empat dia bilang “Nah, emang kayak gitu waktu, tiba-tiba kalian udah gak muda lagi aja.” Yang secara gak langsung menyiratkan untuk us (terutama gue dan adek gue yang mulai peralihan remaja – dewasa) to thinks about future. Ga ada lagi main-main (iya maafin gue yang tidur 15/24 hrs a day, Pa), dan kenyataan bahwa ya.. mungkin masa remaja kita udah selesai.

Dan kenyataan bahwa kakak sepupu gue yang jaraknya lima tahun sama gue udah punya anak. Taruh kata (siapa yang tau kan) lima tahun lagi gue udah di posisi dia. ((Di posisi dia. Dan gue gabisa ngebayangin gue jadi Ibu gitu terus ngelahirin terus terus terus ah bingung otaknya ga nyampe. Terus gue ngebayangin gue bakal berantem sama orangtua gue masalah nama. Ya, gue mau nama anaknya Ixora. Ga mau tau kedengeran aneh juga pokoknya kata itu harus nyelip.))

Dan kenyataan bahwa kakak sepupu gue nanya “Semester depan semester lima dong yah? Bentar lagi skripsi terus lulus deh, kan?” Bikin gue shock kenapa kehidupan gue secepat ini bergulirnya.

Kenyataan selalu mengejudhkan bukan? Baru kemarin metlit sekarang udah mau bikin skripsi? Ah.

I missed coloring..

(2)   On how kenapa gue tiba-tiba banyak urusan. Ini itu ini itu ini itu. Bete. Gue sebel banget kalo baru aja asik nyantai-nyantai e terus kehidupan kampus gue banyak yang mesti diurus. Ha. Egoisnya gue sih, udah tau you can’t live alone. Tapi gue menikmati banget sendirian, banyakan tidur, magabut, putus kontak sama socmed, pura-pura bloon, bikin hidangan berbuka bareng mama (which akhir-akhir ini keliatan agak kesepian semenjak adek gue balik malem terus padahal bulan puasa gini), baca-baca novel (I finished The Fault in Our Stars, finally) instead of jurnal-jurnal bryophytes, atau kerjaan pengamatan kemaren.

Apa emang gue se-pemalas itu? Gak kan? Please tell me no.

(3)   Dan kenapa gue bilang dengan santainya bahwa “People Changes” dan gue jadi salah satunya orang yang gabisa nerima perubahan itu. I’ve been wounded so many times and sometime I forgot how to heal my scars.

perhaps my favorite

life life life

Jakarta, 29 Juni 2014, Hari Pertama Ramadhan.

Semester empat terlewati, ya?

Semester dengan banyak sekali jalan-jalan. Perkuliahan yang penuh kejutan dalam tiap pertemuannya. Let me listed everything for you:

1. Botani Ekonomi: I never thought it could be so much fun, like so much fun. Diawali dengan makan-makan Panzanella salad, nyobain capers, olive, dan teman-temannya yang aneh. Presentasi tentang mustard (yang sejak lama udah penasaran karena rasanya honey mustard itu enak banget). Dan presentasi tentang Leafy Ornamental Plants. Belum lagi baca buku Economic Botany yang rasanya kayak baca buku tentang Harvestmoon gitu, seru. Belum lagi ujian yang jawabannya ada di buku Signature of All Things-nya Elizabeth Gilbert. Dan perkuliahan yang ditutup dengan makan bibimbap.
2. Ornitologi: So much fun. So many pretty things left to be observed. Indah banget itu yang namanya Flycatchers dan Kingfishers. Film tentang Flamingo (Phoenicopterus) dan danau Natron, the Crimson Wings. Field Trip di tempat tergolong mewah (buat anak Biologi) yang halaman depannya berbatasan langsung dengan selembah bintang pas malem, bunga Chinese lantern, dan Anthurium yang berbunga. Indah banget. Satu halaman flowery semua gitu.
3. Biologi Konservasi: Rains, rains all the way—dan kelas yang dinginnya parah setiap pagi hujan itu. Tentang SLOSS dan Rafflesia + Tetrastigma. Tentang prinsip-prinsip yang menarik banget untuk dibahas, banyak diskusi yang seru-seru banget. Walaupun belum belajar lebih lanjut rasanya bakal menarik banget untuk ditekuni.
4. Perkembangan Hewan: Kaget gak dapet A? Hahaha, kaget banget. Alhamdulillah. Menarik banget mata kuliahnya. Kalo inget whole mount dan kepikiran tentang bahwa kita emang bermula hanya dari segumpal darah dan bisa jadi sebesar ini? Banyak-banyak bersyukur kita lahir ga kurang suatu apapun. Neural tube kita menutup secara sempurna, AER kita berhasil tumbuh semua, jantung kita sekatnya gak bolong. Maha Besar Allah yang mengatur manusia dari tiap-tiap lapis benih.
5. Struktur Hewan: Same as Perkembangan Hewan. It was so much fun knowing caecum in Rabbit. The things about urogenital sinus, cara mendengar, melihat, irisan akar rambut, dan lapisan-lapisan kulit. Banyak banget yang gak kita ketahui, bahkan dalam tubuh kita sendiri. (Yang nyata dari tubuh kita sendiri aja susah banget taunya, gimana yang abstrak macem perasaan di tubuh orang lain? xDD)
6. Metodologi Pengajaran dan Telaah Kurikulum: Kamu pikir kalo guru kamu ngajar dengan cara-cara macem bermain peran itu improvisasi? Bro, itu ada teorinya. Ada teorinya. Dan kalau bikin peta konsep itu sesimpel yang ada di buku mata pelajaran, well, skornya mungkin rendah x))
7. Metodologi Penelitian: Sekarang kamu ngerti kan kenapa orang rebek banget ngurusin skripsi? Ini yang sekelompok aja naujubilah ngelarinnya, gimana sendirian? Oh, tuna galat dan tuna cocok. Validitas dan reliabilitas. Sampling dan segala rupa. Capek banget ngurusinnya, huhu :(
8. ISBD: this could be fun unless kuliahnya ga hari Rabu jam 17.00 usai jam 08.00 ada Biokons, jam 13.00 ada telaah kurikulum, DAN 15.00 ada praktikum Perkembangan Hewan. Tapi, gedung IDB malem-malem itu.. kewl.. lagunya Clean Bandit yang Rather Be pas jalan pulang itu adalah salah satu hal paling asik di dunia ini. Dan Aksi Sosial yang berharap bisa saya jalanin lagi, doain yaws :)

Agenda jalan-jalan lainnya: FT Botani 1 ke Cibodas (Rhodobryum yang cantik banget), Cibulao TWA SIMBOL 2014 (splash cupsnya unidentified mosses yang berbentuk seperti bunga), dan TNGHS (Owa Jawa yang gendut dan track yang lovely…tanjakan serta turunannya).

Books:

I read Signature of All Things-nya Elizabeth Gilbert (cuma buku ini yang sampe tamat, ha-ha-ha) yang gue ga ngerti lagi sampe gabisa bedain lagi dunia fiksi sama dunia nyata soalnya masalah tentang Cinchona keluar di soal Botani Ekonomi (serius..) tentang mosses mostly.. dan Retta Snow.. ha-ha-ha (kenapa ketawanya kayak gini karena mungkin cuma gue yang nganggep ini lucu). Terus nonton The Perks of Being Wallflower (and ended up reading the book tapi flipping through pages aja dan ya gitu deh banyak pertanyaan yang tidabisa dijawab jadi.. ya sekip). Terus The Introvert Advantage (ini baca untuk mata kuliah Metlit bukan buat diri sendiri—tapi penasaran ya jadi aja abis bukunya). Bukunya Tere Liye yang Sepotong Hati yang baru (tetep bagusan yang Berjuta Rasanya dan buku-buku sebelumnya sih .__.v)

ini lucu (buat gue ;__;)

Ongoing: Norwegian Wood (yang belum balik baca lagi karena nyerap tenaga banget haha), Divergent (yang berenti baca sampe Tris kumpul-kumpul sama temen barunya itu, kemungkinan lanjut, kemungkinan engga), The Fault in Our Stars (awalnya seru terus ditengah-tengah males ja-ja-jadi aja belum lanjut lagi)

Mungkin bakal baca: Catcher in the Rye, Life of Pi (gara-gara nonton filmnya ini juga)

Berharap berhasil baca dan langsung ngerti: tentang mosses, terus Physiology-nya Ganong buat semester depan :( sama genetika (takut nih, gimana dong?)

Uh gue baca Ouran lagi, dan gue ga ngerti kenapa adek gue bisa nebak bahwa first favorite gue Honey dan yang kedua Mori.. dan gue nonton Nodame Cantabile (Oboe mungkin bakal jadi instrumen favorit gue).

Music:

Top playlist ada.. Native-nya OneRepublic (hu suka semua, tapi suka banget Life in Color dan Preacher, etapi Burning Bridges juga enak, I Lived juga, If I Lose My Self dan Counting Stars juga, jadi gimana dong?), Play-nya Akdong Musician (Little Stars dan Parting, nyusul 200%), Tulus (banyak banget, Sepatu, Sewindu, Gajah… ha banyak), EXO (oyajelas masa lupa Thunder dan Moonlight), G-Dragon (Who You yang demen dari pas FT di Cibodas gara-gara dipake buat alarm oleh satu orang di kamar dan Crooked), San E. Terus beberapa dari Clean Bandit (Rather Be, Dust Clears, dan Nightingale), Zedd (Find You), dan paling terakhir Owl City (Wolf Bite, Wolf Bite, Wolf Bite), Katy Perry (Unconditionally, soundtrack ujian SH dan PH), dan Jangan Takutnya Sammy Simorangkir kaya salah satu lagu lamanya Kerispatih masa.. satu lagi yaitu Stop and Stare-nya OneRepublic.

wolf bite (owl city udah kayak exo aja yah)

Goals:

Banyak baca untuk semester depan, for the sake of kelanjutan hidup dan keberlangsungan. Mosses, mosses, mosses. Dan having fun with the life (udah masuk tingkat 3 aja abis ini, bhay)

--

"But life is a battle, may we all be able to fight it well"